Daniella's Misadventures

Synagogue Seating Preferences

got this today via e-mail:

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)

___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of
interest:)

___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregates' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ The gabbay
___ The gabbi's wife
___ The gabbi's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ President Bush
___ President Bush and Dick Cheney
___ Sex (Preference:)________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: ____________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?

___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_________________)
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a
Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza.

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) _________________________ _________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ _________________________

Your name: _________________________________

Building fund pledge: _________________________

= = = = = =

Addendum to the Synagogue Seating Form

___Check here if you'd like the office to tell your in-laws that there are no more seats available. (Please note there is an extra charge of $100 for this service.)

A Note From the High Holiday Seating Committee: A special heartfelt thank you to the 3 families (you know who you are) who submitted their reservation forms without editorial comment, without special seating requests, without drawing seating diagrams and without citing Supreme Court precedent. As for all the rest of you, we found your submissions highly entertaining and we look forward to seating each and every one of you in the Shul's 900 aisle seats.